the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
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