Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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