i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
