i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
She bit a glass in half.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize