I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
