I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
My pussy is not your playground.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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