Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
