I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
