Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
