Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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