I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
