i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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