This dress was meant to end up on your floor
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Randomize
