I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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