dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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