o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
