My sheets look like a crime scene.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Randomize
