her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
