Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
