Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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