is your mom at the bar?
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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