Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
