guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
