It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
