Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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