Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
