i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
