my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
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