Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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