Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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