the day after is always just damage control
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
