yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
