Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
