i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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