Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize