JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
