Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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