a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
