i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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