Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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