He disabled his match.com account in front of me
dude i'm inner monologue high
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
