I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
