why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
