we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
