Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
