Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
