She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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