and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
