I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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