my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
