just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i dont even know how to be here
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
