apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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