my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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