your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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