I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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