the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
