I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
